"The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives."
Esther Perel
When I work with couples, my client is the relationship.
I’m not there to decide who’s right, who’s wrong or whose side I’m on. I’m interested in what happens between you, the patterns you’ve become caught in, what each of you brings to them and what might be getting lost when you try to reach each other.
When we’re stuck in a pattern, it can be difficult to see it from the inside. I’ll be active in helping you slow things down and notice what’s happening. We can look at what sets the pattern going, how each of you responds and what might be sitting underneath the things you argue about.
Sometimes understanding the pattern is enough to begin changing it. At other times, something more practical can help. I draw on relationship research and approaches including the Gottman Method and Imago dialogue, so I might introduce different ways of communicating, listening or responding to each other when I think they could be useful.
I don’t have a formula for what a good relationship should look like. Whether you’re a new couple, have been together for decades, are going through a particular crisis or simply don’t feel as connected as you once did, we’ll work with your relationship and what matters to the two of you.
You might be wondering…
That’s really common. You don’t both have to arrive feeling equally sure about couples therapy. We can start where you are, and there’s room for each of you to feel differently about being there.
What if one of us is more keen on therapy than the other?
That’s okay too. Couples therapy isn’t about keeping a relationship together at all costs. Sometimes the work is about understanding what’s happened between you, what each of you wants and working out what comes next (whether that’s together or apart).
What if we don’t know whether we want to stay together?
If the pattern you get caught in at home shows up in the room, that can actually help us understand it. I won’t just sit back and watch things escalate. I’ll intervene when I need to, slow things down and help us look at what’s happening between you.
There’s room for anger, frustration and difficult conversations but not for intimidation, threats or abusive behaviour. If I have concerns about either person’s safety, we’ll need to think carefully about whether couples therapy is the right kind of support.
What if we argue during a session?
Is couples therapy only for relationships in crisis?
Not at all. You don’t have to wait until things feel really bad. Some couples come because they keep getting stuck in the same arguments or have started to feel disconnected. Others want to understand each other better, work through a change in their relationship or simply make some space to think about how things are between them.